English ain't what it was, but we should celebrate its cultural diversity

de bene esse: literally, of well-being, morally acceptable but subject to future validation or exception

‘I do like your shallots!' Linguistic mistakes, and variety in speech and dialect, are among life's great pleasures. Photograph: Fox Photos/Getty Images

 

Who speaks the Queen's English? Certainly not the Queen. She has used many different kinds of English over the years and her way of speaking is now pretty much unique, the crossbred product of an old-fashioned upbringing and modern adaptation.
And what is the Queen's English anyway? Does it lie in pronunciation, in grammar, in correct use of terms, or in punctuation? Is it the same as Oxford English? Or received pronunciation, or BBC English? And who will help us to tell the difference?
Until this week, the Queen's English Society ("Good English Matters") did that job. But when only 22 members pitched up for a meeting, the chairman, Rhea Williams, declared the society closed. Finished, kaput, an ex-society. "People today", she said, "just don't care". Starbucks won't call her back when she tries to point out their incorrect use of less and fewer. Advertisers shrug their shoulders over misplaced apostrophes. So, felt pen in hand, she carries on her lonely crusade, adjusting notices all over the land.
Standards in English have always been going to the dogs. Once, it was too many American expressions ("I'm taking the elevator to put out the trash, dude"). Then, it was the mimicking of the Australian style of lifting the voice at the end of a sentence? As if a statement were a question? Now, it's text abbreviations, street slang, glottal stops and "it's gonna rain tomorrow" that are the problems.
Like many teachers, I sigh over essays that don't distinguish between effect and affect. I shout at the radio over improper use of "the public interest". Along with the Radio 4 announcer Harriet Cass, I don't really feel that it is polite to say toilet in a public broadcast.
But variety in speech and dialect is one of the delights of English. For more than a century now, we have been able to hear the voices of the dead, and they speak a language already strange. So Robert Browning (recorded in 1888) says, "'Pon my word, I've forgotten me own verses". And the Anglo-Irish writer Elizabeth Bowen, in a broadcast from the 1950s, recommends the need for "plorrt and kerekter".
Where I live in Gloucestershire the pronoun "it" is often replaced with "he" – "I'm offended with him", says my neighbour when his lettuce bolts. In Lancashire, people speak with a portentous emphasis – "You're a fool to yourself, Connie". In Bristol, classical music fans love the operal.
The linguistic mistakes immortalised by Shakespeare's Dogberry and Sheridan's Mrs Malaprop are among life's happy pleasures. There was the essay on Dracula in which he ends "with a steak through his heart". Or the acquaintance who commented on my divided skirt – "I do like your shallots". I didn't say anything. I expect Rhea Williams is rather more brave. Or should that be braver?
Yes, words are important, and correct usage does make for better understanding. Along with all English teachers, I correct trivial errors and general carelessness. But I care more that my students think for themselves, that they develop a critical understanding, so they can set up their own argument.
The other thing that I value is a respect for the interests and feelings of others. Mispronounced or misspelt words worry me a bit. But stumbling over names, or failing to remember them, bothers me more. Equally, I don't mind American phrases – provided we know that that is what they are. And let's add in words from other cultures too – key European monetary terms might be useful at the moment, along with the proper names for different dress codes and social expectations.
But cultural policing (even of this kind) is always dangerous, because it says that I am right and you are wrong. The magazine published by the Queen's English Society is called Quest. And that's about right. It strives to recover a nostalgic fantasy world that never did exist and never can.
Why do we have two ears and one mouth? In order that we should listen twice as much – to the Queen's English and all the other languages of the world. As she is spoke.